Chopsaki! Hazaaaah!

I love and adore naff karate movies - as FG has his fixation with REALLY bad horor and zombie movies, I enjoy kung fu/karate and other dubious chopsaki movies. And therefore, I am a big fan of Chuck Norris. Seriously. Such a big fan that I felt obliged to post these trueisms when it got emailed to me today.

Chuck Norris is a god

1. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in hislifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

2.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

3.As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tuckedaway in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birthto the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team inprofessional football history.

4.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5.A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuckreplied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The meremention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last,and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse deliveredby Chuck Norris.

6.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

7.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms andincludes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

8.Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spentthe first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

9.A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is forhandicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spotbelongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you parkthere.

10.According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris canactually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

11.Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicksaren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded byhistorians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

12.Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do withancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

13.The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

14.Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

15.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung likeChuck Norris

16.If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

17.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Twoseconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhousekicks you in the face.

18.Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until hegets the information he wants.

19.Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Justnever his own.

20.Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norrisbrought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolongedbeard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and acrowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth,and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

21.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: ChuckNorris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, theturtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.