Enough is enough

I suffer from migraines. Debilitating shitty things that destroy any kind of social life I would like to lead. I have been to see a specialist and have been subjected to MRI scans, CAT scans, injections, eye tests, blood tests...nothing was flagged as the reason for these headaches. They turned to me and said "You are one of those unfortunate people who suffer from them...no rhyme, no reason." I was relieved, imagining that I have this growing tumour in my brain or something. But no, nothing like that. No explanation either...then they wondered if I would be interested in trying these funky new drugs that are supposed to be given to people who suffer from depression. One of the postive "side effects" to these tabs = they help with migraines. I rebelled - why take tablets for depression and maybe get hooked on the shyte so I can be headache free. I ran away from the specialist and never went back (also because Lewisham hospital smells really bad and I felt like an imposter amongst people who made me think of refugees from these third world countries you see on TV.)

I have really given up - I pump myself so full of headache and migraine tablets that it isn't even funny. I have a stash at work in my drawer, in my bag I carry around with me and at least in two of my work-jackets too, just in case one decides to strike. Anywhere I go I make sure I have these lifesaving tablets with me. I don't drink wine or beer or any other kind of alcoholic beverage for fear of getting a headache. I try not to drink coffee cos it might trigger it. I rarely have chocolate as it might trigger a severe headache so crippling I can't see.

What a horrible thing to live with. It is in the family though - my mom used to suffer from them, so do two of my sisters that I know of.

I have vowed to now eat nothing processed, with e-numbers or anything like that. I am going to test myself and see how things go. I am just sick of having them. They are happening more frequently, once a week or so. And it isn't stress - work is the same laughable joke it has always been. I get the headaches over weekends, on holiday, during the week. Phagh. It isn't even hormonal as far as I can tell.

People who don't suffer from them think its all made up - until you try and describe the excruciating pain, where it feels like you have sustained severe trauma to your head and the rest of your body goes into shock. Your head is so sore that it feels about three degrees warmer than the rest of your body, sweat pours off you and the pain is so severe that you are quite prepared to try and open a hole in it to vent the pressure you feel is building up in there. I hate it. I hate seeing the genuine incomprehension in people's faces when you explain how you spend time hunkered over a toiletbowl hurling your guts up and praying that it would stop because it just increases the pain in your head...but alleviates it at the same time.

I am even tempted to put my name down for tests at the Migraine Clinic here in London. But then I think to myself that maybe they will try all these tests on me and turn me into a bigger mutant...so I don't know.

But in the meantime I shall be a good girl, take my tablets, and watch what I eat.