Shhh, don't tell a soul...

But FG and I had the most decadent weekend we have had in ages!

On Saturday we didn't have to rush around to get the house ready to be invaded by smelly creatures (otherwise known as rpg gamers). I didn't have to cook for them or pretend to be interested in yet more chaotic stories of their strange lives and once again tell them off for making so much noise and interrupting as FG valiantly tries to push the story onward whilst they carry on at their own regard.

Instead, we got up, packed Sparrow in the back of the car and drove off to the lovely village of Eynsford, for all intents and purposes to go see an ancient ruin, walk around some foresty bits and come home. Well, as usual, we couldn't find the ancient ruin, but we did find a stunning park with a gorgeous forest and golf course. The walk was wonderful, really steep in some parts, muddy with a few other people out for some air. Och, what a day - the mists came in and wandering around this forest was like being in a different world. We were mesmerised and have fallen in love with the general area. Eventually though, hunger forced us onward, and we left, muddy, sated with the beauty of where we live and desperate to get home for some tea.

We headed home and I ran into Sainsburys to get sumat for dinner and the cleaner was very upset with me as I clumped mud everywhere from my boots as well as the legs of my jeans.

Sunday was a day of sheer indulgence. Slept late, lazed about, read the newspapers, slept some more - it was bliss. I really miss having weekends like these where you are free to do whatever you like, as much as you want to, or nothing at all.

Here's to two weeks' time when it happens again!

Tempus Fugit!

How sweet does she look?

No idea where I got the pic of Matilda from, but it spoke to me when I opened my picture file earlier this evening.

So I thought I would share her with the world...since I have already posted about Jean Reno earlier this month....

Maybe the 'Verse is telling me to watch Leon again for a change!

Looking Glass Wars

Oh dear.

Now, Mr. G and I are convinced that we have some of the scariest looking people in the Southeast travelling on our trainline.

In all honesty, I think personally that our problem is that we are keen observers of other people. I can people-watch for hours, making little notes in my notebook which I always carry around with me. I like to think they might one day pop up in a book might one day get published - Jamie, stop nodding sagely whilst reading this!

Sometimes, just sometimes, I reel back in shock when I see what people dress like when going to work, and at first thing in the morning when your brain isn't functioning very well yet...well, I have been known to point and double-up with laughter as my people-friendly programming hasn't kicked in yet.

This morning, case in point, Young Miss TeenIdol is off to go work in her uncle's caf in Lunnen dressed to the T's in this shiny fabricked wide-legged three-quarter lenght shitty trouser/long shorts (which looked hideous in the 80's and looks even worse now) wearing boots stopping just under the hem of said shitty trousers. Ontop she wore this knitted topthing that was basically a tube in a bizarre cerise pink colour (the trousers were a soft lime-green and the boots were a good leather brown) and she had earings on so large that I feared for her life, expecting a dead parrot to drop from the sky to hang off them. And of course, the obligatory fag was being waved about as it spoke loudly on its mobile - no one else has one, yeah, so like, I have to show off what I got yeah? - whilst chewing gum.

We moved further down the platform and I had to turn my back. FG looked at me and just said "we have to institute that Charity we spoke about when we win the lotto." I fully agree.

The Charity will be called:

The Every House A Mirror Charity

Its sole purpose would be to ensure that every single household in all of the UK will have at least one full-length mirror at its front door. We hope this would encourage people to look at themselves before going out, so that they don't inflict their "individual fashion sense" on the rest of the poor unprepared population of this Country.

I am glad to say that I have always been a skinny t-shirt and jeans kinda gall and have NEVER in my life owned anything fashionable. Well, except for my leather biker jacket but that was a necessity and not a fashion accessory. Why people follow fashion trends and don't stick to failsafe classic lines, is beyond me. Admittedly, it would be a boring old life, but I really don't want to be tortured with the sight of pale fat legs and flesh peering through too tight fishnets sticking out from under a too-short skirt because the fashionistas have declared it "the look of the season".

Save us, oh gods of fashion, of sheep who blindly follow the pack.

Yes, you are an individual. Just like the other fifty million people on this planet.

Enough is enough

I suffer from migraines. Debilitating shitty things that destroy any kind of social life I would like to lead. I have been to see a specialist and have been subjected to MRI scans, CAT scans, injections, eye tests, blood tests...nothing was flagged as the reason for these headaches. They turned to me and said "You are one of those unfortunate people who suffer from them...no rhyme, no reason." I was relieved, imagining that I have this growing tumour in my brain or something. But no, nothing like that. No explanation either...then they wondered if I would be interested in trying these funky new drugs that are supposed to be given to people who suffer from depression. One of the postive "side effects" to these tabs = they help with migraines. I rebelled - why take tablets for depression and maybe get hooked on the shyte so I can be headache free. I ran away from the specialist and never went back (also because Lewisham hospital smells really bad and I felt like an imposter amongst people who made me think of refugees from these third world countries you see on TV.)

I have really given up - I pump myself so full of headache and migraine tablets that it isn't even funny. I have a stash at work in my drawer, in my bag I carry around with me and at least in two of my work-jackets too, just in case one decides to strike. Anywhere I go I make sure I have these lifesaving tablets with me. I don't drink wine or beer or any other kind of alcoholic beverage for fear of getting a headache. I try not to drink coffee cos it might trigger it. I rarely have chocolate as it might trigger a severe headache so crippling I can't see.

What a horrible thing to live with. It is in the family though - my mom used to suffer from them, so do two of my sisters that I know of.

I have vowed to now eat nothing processed, with e-numbers or anything like that. I am going to test myself and see how things go. I am just sick of having them. They are happening more frequently, once a week or so. And it isn't stress - work is the same laughable joke it has always been. I get the headaches over weekends, on holiday, during the week. Phagh. It isn't even hormonal as far as I can tell.

People who don't suffer from them think its all made up - until you try and describe the excruciating pain, where it feels like you have sustained severe trauma to your head and the rest of your body goes into shock. Your head is so sore that it feels about three degrees warmer than the rest of your body, sweat pours off you and the pain is so severe that you are quite prepared to try and open a hole in it to vent the pressure you feel is building up in there. I hate it. I hate seeing the genuine incomprehension in people's faces when you explain how you spend time hunkered over a toiletbowl hurling your guts up and praying that it would stop because it just increases the pain in your head...but alleviates it at the same time.

I am even tempted to put my name down for tests at the Migraine Clinic here in London. But then I think to myself that maybe they will try all these tests on me and turn me into a bigger mutant...so I don't know.

But in the meantime I shall be a good girl, take my tablets, and watch what I eat.

Cruelty to animals

The spate of cruelty to animals recently highlighted in all the national and local newspapers has really struck as a clear indicator as to how low mankind has fallen.

How anyone can excuse themselves torturing an animal (burning it, setting it alight), putting it in a bag and smacking it with sticks till its dead, hanging it from a tree for fun, strangling it because it is a puppy and it was crying for its mother….is really beyond my own reasoning.

And the sentences being handed down are negligible. 21 days in jail and then being banned from keeping a pet for ten years. Ho-hum. If he can do it to an animal, he can do it to a human. I wonder if that would get him more than 21 days?

It is disgusting and vile. People committing these crimes, even if they are kids, should really be treated as badly as they treat these animals.

In matters like this I am almost tempted to support these radical animal activists.

I can’t put across how angry I am on behalf of these defenceless animals. All I have to do is look at my poor little dog, Sparrow and see his sheer joy when seeing is after we have been out and my heart just melts. Even after being shouted at for being naughty pup, he comes back, forgiving, wagging that little tail a mile a minute and is loving. How can you be so hard hearted to horrible things to a poor creature that loves you so unconditionally? Don’t get me wrong, he will be disciplined when naughty and he is better behaved than some animals I have seen, (even some people), but to really lose your head and beat him up to the extent where he has broken ribs puncturing a lung…or to the extent where his injuries are so bad that he has to be put down….bloody fuck.

I really do vote for animal abusers to get longer jail terms, no excuses, and maybe to be whipped a bit too with a cat o’nine tails, burnt with coals, cut with knives, just to show them how it feels. My motto has always been – if you can dish it out, you had better be prepared to take it. And please, no one ever tell me “oh, he was an abused child/had a difficult childhood,” – evil is evil. The punishment should fit the crime.

Giggles from the Hell Dimension

Yesterday was - in a word - so incredibly horrible I considered running away and joining the Chinese State Circus currently touring the UK. (Okay, so it wasn't quite a word but if you say it fast enough, it would be.)

Back to the Circus idea - I would give that a miss as I don't think I would like the taste of dog masquerading as Kung Pow Chicken.

But, I digress.

Yesterday, was a godawful day. I sounded like someone suffering from tourettes, much to the hilarity of my work colleague LBJG (Little Blond Jewish Girl) who is always amazed at my proficient linguistic skills.

I went into work this morning, promising myself to not a) wish the main demons of the department dead, b) consider going to see a Voodoo Priest to curse them, c) pushing them infront of a bus/train/taxi/delivery van or d) poisoning them by making them tea/coffee. Then I remembered about Karma ... and I decided to wait till I am filthy stinking rich (having won the lotto) and then hiring baddies to take them all out.

I remained relatively calm most of the day - except for the occasional tourettes slip.

Something which had me giggle though is how badly I can drop the main demon in the trouble with its Mrs.

SNH SNH SNH

I got a faintly panicked Blackberry message on my email from said head demon as he was travelling back from a business visit in the other Hell Dimension known as France. "Any ideas for an anniversary present?" - which made me burst out laughing. So, sensible and helpful secretary that I am I email back asking "Not sure what Mrs. likes...jewellery and scarves or what...?" Response came back "Yes."

Sigh. . .

His anniversary is on Friday. I have set him a reminder to buy her a card tomorrow (which translates into "Liz, quickly go down to Paperchase and buy me a card.") and I printed off all the shows and their venues currently on the boards here in the BS (Big Smog).

Ontop of that I rang him and mentioned that I looked at Links of London (lovely jewellery) and I really think he should maybe get her a charm bracelet...and he said he thought that was a lovely idea...Wait till he sees the prices! My evil genius mind works like this, see? The thing about the HD is...he can't make up his mind. EVER. About anything, and I have learned the trick into bullying him. Gently-like. (He didn't HAVE TO travel First Class via Eurostar today...AND pay for his three work colleagues.)

So, giving him a deluge of things to get his poor Mrs. I guarantee him spending A LOT of money and she gets to have a lovely anniversary and be spoilt. Just because he couldn't decide what to get.

Okay, so maybe this story isn't as funny as all that...but after the absolute torture he put me through yesterday, today was a blast - I think I was hysterical, actually. I shall report back and see how much I can make him spend on her.

Now, I wonder how I can write off that nice Ferrari parked outside on expenses...

To the new kid on the block

As was posted by FG and Cheezy -

• congrats to Tincanman on the birth of his daughter.
• congrats to the Mom who looked pretty cool during it all.

We wish you both the best of futures with your little sprog (I am not sure what her name is yet but I think I will call her Lily) and hopefully, one day soon, in the next 18 years, you might get some sleep in.

Loads of kisses!

Aunty Liz

New Blog-Look

Dear All

I felt creative this weekend and decided to "mess about" with the look of my site.

Let me know what you think of the new look - I quite like the minimilistic look of it - also, the links (if you hover your cursor over the squares of manuscript) on the left hand of the page actually work whereas I never had the link-option on the "lighthouse" template. By clicking on the manuscript squares it takes you to different "pages" - which I think is quite nifty...but I am worried that it is tooooooo plain. I added the scrolling marquee myself as I am pretending to be flash. I mucked around with adding my own pictures, instead of the manuscripts and it throws the text out a bit...but I will see what I come up with.

Comments would be appreciated!

Just what Germany needs!

A giant brothel set to cater for tens of thousands of football fans at next year's World Cup in Germany is opening its doors in Berlin.

Built just yards from the main stadium, its owner believes the three-storey Artemis brothel will be a big hit with World Cup visitors.

Norman Jacob, lawyer for the private investor who wishes to remain anonymous, said: "Football and sex go together extremely well."

Prostitutes wanting to use the facility also have to pay £50 to "rent" a room there for three months. For that price they get free meals and access to the Artemis gym.

Prostitutes negotiate their own fees with clients who must also pay an entrance fee of £50 to enter the complex, which has rooms for more than 100 girls as well as a sauna and lap dancing bar.

The band demands Queen Contestants

I love the Ananova quirkies - this one is a beauty! Har! Pun!


A rock band has asked for all of this year's Miss Serbia beauty queen contestants in their dressing room.

Finnish band Apocalyptica included the request in their rider for the Exit music festival in Serbia where they are supporting Garbage.

They also asked for a dozen postcards with stamps already attached so they could write to their mums.

Organisers of the four day festival said they had asked the girls if they were willing to visit the band, but it were not sure they could make it.

A spokesman said: "It was a bizarre request, and I don't know why they wanted the postcards. Perhaps they wanted to write about the girls afterwards.

"It would have been much better if they were all like Garbage who were much more reasonable.
"They just wanted china plates and not paper ones for their food, a certain brand of soap, diet coke and a few bottles of Heineken, which are all things we can provide."

Wikipedia

Now, I love the net...I just did a search (don't ask why) on Jean Reno from Leon (Ronin, Big Blue etc.) and for some reason...Wikipedia came up...with an entire page on him, his film bio, pictues...the works. It makes me wonder...an encyclopedia listing Jean Reno!? Whatever next?!

The coolest thing about Wikipedia is everyone contributes to it. I love the Net.

Let's go be bad guys...

I love Joss Whedon. I was a fan of Buffy (the shows that I did manage to watch) and Angel...the music just did it for me and of course Spike being so very English (honest, guv!). I love the Fray comics (I have them all in graffic novel type) and I religiously watched Firefly the series and I even have it on dvd... Its quirky, and funny, and the one liners are brilliant. Then they decide to cancel the series...and two years on Mr. Whedon scrapes cajunes together and makes the movie, Serenity.

We saw the movie this Friday past and I must say...I didn't feel the time go by. When it ended, after such a breathstopping spin on things, I looked at FG and we both just exhaled (not realising that that heartpounding thing was actually our hearts telling us to "breathe, dammit!")and said "Wow." And then "Let's watch it again!"

As someone who grew up on cowboy books and movies - my dad was a huge fan and before I could afford my own books, these were the only books I ever read - this really hit the spot. Admittedly it is set in the future but it is enfused with old West drama; they talk the talk and walk the walk. The characters are really well developed from the series, but you don't really need to know much about the series to enjoy the movie. You get to know a lot more abour River and what had been done to her and boy, does she kick butt? When I grow up I want to be her.

But, searching imdb.com I found some of the quotes from the movie, so here you go:


The Operative: I want to resolve this like civilized men. I'm not threatening you. I'm unarmed.

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Good. [pulls gun and shoots Operative in the chest, knocking him into the wall, grabs Inara and gets ready to leave]

The Operative: [grabs Mal from behind] I am, however, wearing full body armor. I am not a moron!

Oh, and another classic line

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Yes, I've read a poem. Try not to faint.

Fantastic! Defo go see it...another one for the dvd collection when it comes out!

Life from a Woman's Perspective

This got sent around to me via email today and there were just too many true-isms to not post it on here.

1. I love a Martini, but two at the most. Three, I'm under the table, Four, I'm under the host.

2. I want to be Barbie - that bitch has everything.

3. If the shoe fits... buy one in every colour.

4. I take life with a grain of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

5. What part of Princess don't you understand?

6. Some call it cocktail hour - for me, it's a support group.

7. I'm on a 30 day diet. So far, I've lost 15 days.

8 . My greatest fear is that there is No PMS, and this is just my personality.

9. I know I'm in my own little world, but its ok, they know me here.

10. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Who cares...

about George Best anyway besides his son and his very young wife who wants his money?

Admittedly, he is in hospital with pneumonia and it has nothing to do with his liver (the new one which he messed up AGAIN by going on the lash constantly).

But, I can't help but wonder, back when he had his innards replaced if he got it done faster than so many more worthy and patient ill people out there because of who and what he used to be to the Country?

But, I am sure, it wasn't his fault that he mucked up the new one by drinking himself to a standstill, yet again. I am sure it made those who were pushed aside and further down the list all warm and fuzzy inside because "Bless, it is old Georgie, innit? I don't need to live, I am sure someone else will donate him a kidney, a heart, a liver. He is one of our favourites, after all. The fact that he is a unrepentant alkie doesn't mean a thing."

Also, this from the Sky News website:-

One of Britain's favourite football legends, George Best, is in hospital being treated for a kidney infection.

His illness is thought to be a reaction to drugs he has been taking to stop him from drinking alcohol.

Best once said of his lifestyle: 'I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered.'

Will now remove myself from my soapbox and move along to bed

From temper tantrums to calm...

Last week, I had to admit to my boss, infront of my other work colleagues that one of them was driving me up the wall. Said person was not there, thank heavens, but not thank heavens cos I like to think I am an honest person and would have liked him to be there to stand up for himself.
Said colleagues were shocked by my boss, the head of my department, bullying me infront of all of them, and basically saying "Liz, admit it, it is (insert person's name here), who is making your life hell." They all agreed that this conversation should have been had between just the two of us, without boss-man making a scene.

And all I could do was nod in shock and agreement - and I must say, with him forcing me to admit it, I did throw a bit of a fanny wobble at him and I ended up being quite verbal in my own annoyance of my team not appreciating me, respecting me, steamrolling over me when I tell them how much I have on, whilst they think that they can sweet-talk me into doing extra things for them, especially if I am busy doing someone else's work, etc. But they asked for it.

And my gods, the difference in the atmosphere is so hugely different. I am being spoken to like a person, not a scivvy (although, no doubt, that is what I still am and it will change within a week when they reckon I have calmed down), people are walking the extra three paces past my desk to make their own photocopies instead of just dumping it all on my desk with post-it notes because they "are so busy working", read "emailing my mates to find out what we are doing tonight for fun".

Tsk. So, I feel better. The air has been cleared. The person who has been taking the piss has had the rules read to him - but, as I say, I would have preferred it if he were there to defend himself as at that point in time, as I was being bullied and made to feel quite bad - and he has taken it on board and is now slacking off harping on me about inconsequential things that I don't know anything about - especially IT related junk. I am sorry, but I didn't take a course in Blackberry to figure out why it doesn't update when you plug into your machine. I am sorry, I don't know how to retrieve deleted items from your deleted box, or any other number of inane and stupid things you think about asking me during the day. There is a reason WHY we have an IT Team and a IT Helpdesk. They are there to tell you to turn your machine on and off. I don't have that qualification.

Tsk.

So, from a tantrum comes calm and a bit of wary respect as they (the Team) had no idea of the workload heaped on me...yep, my own fault cos I just accepted it and did it, without telling them to back-off. But, admittedly, as a team, surely they should be aware of what each person is doing, specifically the amount of work they give their admin staff?

Hey, what do I know? I am only the PA.